New Book on Spiritual Abuse

Interview with Dr. Margaret Jones, author of Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct available through Amazon

Not of My Making is a new, self-published book on Jones’ effort to grapple with several abusive situations, including church abuse. Jones endured childhood abuse and neglect, along with spiritual abuse in two churches, but despite such devastating situations, she obtained her Ph D, became a therapist and runs a family business, Pluck Press.

Here is a recent interview with Dr. Jones:

1. On the Pluck Press site, there is a little motto that says, “From survivor to thriver.” Are you thriving now?

Yes. I have become more of the person I was always meant to be. I am the piece of iron thrust into the fire. I am now stronger, more confident and more accepting of who I am. I make no apologies for freely expressing my emotions. I like that I am a passionate, intelligent and well educated person with strong opinions.

2. What made you decide to write a book about your experiences? Wouldn’t it have been easier just to bury all the bad feelings and go on?

I tried to bury my pain and forget what happened. In my book you will notice that I stopped therapy a couple of times because talking appeared to increase my agony. The pain of silence, however, was greater. My anxiety and self-harming behaviors increased. If I allowed my adversaries to silence me, I would have paid for it with my life. Writing and marketing Not of My Making has aided my recovery and helped me move on.

3. Your journal seems to have played a big part in your life and in your recovery. Would you recommend journaling to others in an abusive situation?

I encourage my therapy and coaching clients to write about their experiences. Some refuse because they fear others in their household will read it and use it as a weapon against them. Others don’t like to write. For them writing is more like an English grammar assignment. But whenever I have a client who likes to write, I suggest they journal about their experiences.

4. It sounds like you started your journal at quite a young age. At what age are your earliest entries?

I started keeping a journal when I was sixteen years old after watching a movie about Anne Frank. I was lonely and the journal became my only friend. I usually wrote when something was upsetting me. So you will find very few of the good times in my life recorded in my journal. While raising my children my journal writing morphed into letters to my husband and the therapist I had at the time. I started keeping a journal again when I started therapy again. Unable to talk about what had happened at church; I would write in my journal and share it with my therapist each week. I used that material to write Not of My Making.

5. You have three subheaders for your book – bullying, scapegoating and misconduct. What is the difference between those behaviors? Why did you choose those three to describe what happened to you?

The subheads are designed to make it easier for people who are interested in abuse to find my book. In Not of My Making I recount how my classmates ridiculed me and excluded me from all events including my junior and senior proms. As an adult this pattern repeated itself at the churches I attended. During church conflicts I became a convenient scapegoat. By blaming me, people were able to divert attention from the issues I raised and push through their own agendas with little or no scrutiny. Clergy in their efforts to “help” and/or silence me broke some basic principles of professional ethics such as confidentiality.

6. How common do you think spiritual abuse is in churches today?

As common as bullying is in schools. It is part of human nature to seek power and dominance. Unless there are structures in place to prevent it, wherever people congregate you will get bullying including churches. The problem is made worst when church leaders attempt to hide conflict. People are then able to mistreat others without fear of being reprimanded.

7. Did your husband or family play any role in your recovery from spiritual abuse?

My husband was supportive during the conflict with the Unitarian Universalist churches. When the conflict occurred at the Lutheran church he just wanted me to stop going to church. “They are all corrupt,” he would tell me. He doesn’t understand why I attend church. It is easy to forget he has also been hurt by the spiritual abuse. As a result he won’t have anything to do with religion. My eldest sister and her daughter on the other hand understood why I wanted to remain churched. Their phone calls and letters were helped me get through it.

8. You have been a victim of many kinds of abuse. Is it possible to state which was the worst and why?

Abuse is abuse. Regardless of what form it takes, the injury from it is pretty much the same. Of the three dechurchings Immanuel was the worst. They not only attacked me but my entire life, my family, my home, everything I valued and was proud of. I was also in a more vulnerable place. I was still recovering from my previous dechurchings and I was grieving the loss of my foster son. My adversaries did not see my grief as legitimate.

9. Were there intimations of church abuse before you actually began to realize what was happening? What were the first clues something was not quite right in either of your church experiences?

At the Unitarian churches I was completely taken by surprise. I truly believed UUs were tolerant and would sit down to rationally discuss things. I didn’t realize I was being bullied until I saw Stossel’s show on school bullying. I began to get worried at Immanuel when they put me on a pedestal for taking in a Sudanese Lost Boy. My therapist thought I was over reacting. He was wrong. Now I pay more attention to my own perceptions. I worry less about being nice or rational. I trust my gut.

10. Do people even today try to turn the tables and blame you for your own abuse? If so, what is your response when that happens?

No one blames me for my childhood sexual abuse and neglect by my parents. However, there are some people who believe you can’t trust survivors around children. It is like you have the mark of Cain on you. As for my dechurchings, some people don’t understand why I didn’t leave the abusive situations sooner. These people usually don’t see the value in attending church or they have a need to believe it can’t happen to them because they think they are smarter and more capable than me. I believe it can happen to you no matter who you are.

11. Do you think your understanding of God was damaged because of what happened to you? Have you deliberately tried to keep numb so that you won’t be hurt again? Or have you managed to arrive at a healthy understanding of God and his place in your life?

My understanding of God was damaged by the sexual abuse, parental neglect and bullying in school. God, it appeared to me, wasn’t doing a good job of protecting me. I left the Catholic Church and became an atheist. I began making my way back to church once I overcame depression. I started attending the Unitarian Universalist Church because I thought they were more tolerant than other denominations. Although I would eventually learn how narrow and intolerant they really were, I do not regret the time I was a member. Unitarian Universalism allowed me to explore other faith traditions and nurtured my spiritual seeking. When I wasn’t politically liberal enough and began reading Marcus Borg’s books on Jesus they no longer had a place for me. UUs were going in the opposite direction. While they were embracing neopaganism I was rediscovering Christianity.
My experience at Immanuel Lutheran strengthened my faith rather than destroyed it. I finally realized that so much of what I was searching for – love, acceptance, and safety – were to be found in God. The concept of sin actually freed me from years of guilt I felt over having been raped. I finally understood it was my rapist’s sin, not mine.

12. What would you recommend for someone who begins to suspect their church could be abusive, but they aren’t sure?

Trust their perceptions and pay attention. Are there procedures in place for reporting problems? What happens when there is a conflict? Does someone get blamed for it and pushed out of the church? Are people gossiped about? Does the minister participate in that gossip? Does the minister or leadership share authority and invite everyone’s participation in church life or are some people excluded? Are the teachings consistent with classic Christianity? Are people trying to walk the talk or are they mainly interested in coffee hour?

Can't Talk Rule or Don't Talk Rule

Various sources on spiritual abuse warn about the Can't Talk rule (or the Don't Talk rule) in abusive groups. In spiritually manipulative churches, pastors don't usually come right out and tell you not to talk about certain issues. (Especially concerns in the church.) They are much more subtle.

They might hint at "the enemy" who incites people to gossip, or they may denounce weak Christians who whisper. They might blast the motives of anyone who brings a legitimate issue to the leadership, condemning them as self-centered, divisive or lazy.
They might emphasize grumbling and complaining as among the gravest of sins. They might compare those who bring up church issues to scoffers in Moses' time -- implying that if you dare mention a weakness of the church you are similar to those ungrateful Israelites that the good Moses ( read: church leader) had to put up with.

They might tell you to "get in line with the mission," "submit to authority," or "stop dividing the flock," shaming someone who brings honest questions  -- in order to deflect scrutiny from themselves.
Some might tell you that you are not in harmony with "the vision or mission" of the church, which often is just a high-sounding way of saying that the leader's views are beyond question, and accountability is not the business of a mere layperson.

By whatever means available, abusive pastors will shut down discussion and prevent accountability for suspect practices. The unspoken "don't talk" rule makes this easy. Anyone who dares raise an issue to the light of day will be shut down, preached against, shunned, mistreated or shamed, either by open means or subtle means.

Perhaps some have left the church, and you wish to know why. Maybe the pastor has preached something that doesn't line up with scripture. Maybe someone has been kicked out of church or removed from a ministry. Perhaps these uncomfortable practices have been increasing. Maybe the finances are not open to public view; or business meetings are closed -- or nonexistent. Perhaps teachers or musicians have complained about mistreatment and you are not sure who to believe. A Sunday school teacher suddenly leaves or is moved elsewhere without any explanation. An elder resigns. A spouse or older child disappears and no one dares ask about it.

Those living under a Can't Talk or Don't Talk rule know not to ask questions. They have been manipulated into remaining silent, even though their active conscience urges them to speak up. The reluctance to speak up is often disguised as virtue. You're not a grumbler. You're not a troublemaker. It's someone else's place to ask questions, not yours. You're just a humble nobody.
So the pastor or leader remains accountable to no one. He can do what he likes without opposition, no matter how questionable, unorthodox, ungodly -- or in some cases, illegal.

If this describes the mechanism in place at your church, make sure to do a little research into spiritual abuse and see if other signs might not also be present in your group. The Can't Talk rule is an unspoken rule meant to stifle and hide anything that challenges the control of a leader or that has the potential to put a leader in a bad light. It is often the tip of the iceberg.

Image Consciousness

One sign of spiritual abuse, according to David Henke of Watchman Ministries, is image consciousness. (Item no. 2 on his list)

When I first saw this item on the checklist, I thought, well our group isn't image conscious. We don't advertise, we keep a low profile, we don't dress up or have new, flashy ministries.

So, at first, when I saw this item, I thought it was one of the few you couldn't check off concerning our group. Then I looked at it again and saw that Henke isn't talking about group image so much as individual image. Suddenly, the red flags popped up.

Our group, on an individual basis, was extremely image conscious. I would not want to park anywhere near a casino for fear the pastor might draw the wrong conclusion should he drive by, or anyone in the church, or anyone who knew me, for that matter.

I was afraid to buy wine vinegar at the grocery store for the same reason. It looks like a bottle of wine. (Though I didn't and don't believe alcohol was wrong, I do not drink for reasons other than religion.) How could I bring down the name of Christ by looking like a hypocrite?

I was constantly thinking, What would the pastor or his wife think of me if they saw me doing this or that? What if I had too many items in my shopping cart and I looked extravagant? What if my clothes look too expensive? Am I being Christlike by serving roast when others can only afford Mac N Cheese?

In short, image was everything. Or at least it was a much bigger deal than I realized until I was out of the group. It wasn't Christ's expectations; it was the pastor's, and the idea that since I was representing Christ to the world, I had to be perfect. Trying to avoid all appearances of evil is a full-time job.

I am pretty much free from this now. I park in front of bars and casinos if convenient. I don't detour around the liquor aisle. I don't pay attention much to what I'm wearing. I am free!

Here's what Henke has to say on the subject:
Jesus was not "image conscious." He was willing to associate with wine drinkers, cheating tax collectors and even prostitutes. He accused the legalistic Pharisees of "teaching for doctrine the commandments of men" (Matthew 15:9) and likened their showy, hypocritical outward rightousness to "whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness" (Matthew 23:27).

Neither was He paranoid. His ministry was conspicuously open to the public. When He was on trial (John 18) He was asked about His teachings and His reply was, "Why askest thou me?" Jesus pointed out that He always taught in public, and never in secret, so why not ask His disciples. He had nothing to hide.

Jesus did not fear to criticize the religious leaders or their faulty doctrines (e.g. Matthew 15:1-9; 23:1-39, etc.). And when confronted with criticism or with treacherous questions designed to discredit Him, His response was never to simply demand silence or only positive recognition from His accusers. Rather, He gave answers - scriptural and reasonable answers - to their objections (e.g. Luke 7:36-47; Matthew 19:3-9).

Murmuring in Church

When your pastor faces legitimate criticism or inquiry into the practices of the church, does he respond with a sermon against "murmuring"? Are the "murmurers" (or relatives of the "murmurers")  disciplined, ignored or driven out? In abusive churches, it often works this way.

Today, I was reading Acts 6, and I found it interesting how the early church dealt with murmurers. Acts 6:1 says this:

And in those days, when the number of the disciples was multiplied, there arose a murmuring of the Grecians against the Hebrews, because their widows were neglected in the daily ministration.

The Greeks were complaining about what seemed like unfair practices, and they felt the leadership should stop preaching and start serving more, something like that. Who else could the murmuring be against?

So here is an early church example of murmuring and what to do about it. Notice the response of the apostles.

Do the apostles preach against the murmurers? Do they get angry at the Greek widows? Do they get all huffy about their own authority and start kicking people out for touching God's annointed apostles? No. They look into the matter. Acts 6:2-5

Then the twelve called the multitude of the disciples unto them, and said, It is not reason that we should leave the word of God, and serve tables.
Wherefore, brethren, look ye out among you seven men of honest report, full of the Holy Ghost and wisdom, whom we may appoint over this business.
But we will give ourselves continually to prayer, and to the ministry of the word.
And the saying pleased the whole multitude:

Several things to notice here. First, the apostles appeal to reason. There is nothing wrong with reason! Human reason is given for a reason:) The apostles disagree with the criticism. They know that whatever the criticism, whatever the urgency, whatever the need, they still need to be in the word. It isn't reasonable that they should leave the word of God to serve tables. Probably, the critics didn't state things that way, but using reason, the apostles restate the problem in such a way that the critics could see why their own viewpoint and criticism is somewhat faulty.

Second, instead of getting all upset that their authority is under attack, they actually set about seeing what they can do about the problem. They take the problem seriously. They don't leave what they know is right for them to do (preaching the word) BUT they don't ignore or attack their critics either.

Third, they don't preach against criticism, or castigate the widows for slander or gossip. They come up with a very good plan on how to deal with the problems that arise. The result? Everyone was pleased.

Exploring elitism

One common sign of an abusive church is a sense of elitism. Just what IS elitism? It's a feeling that your group is special, better, far superior than other churches or groups. Most churches feel that they are on the right path, that their particular doctrines are right. That's not elitism. It might be a kind of pride to look out for, but it's not elitism to feel that you are doing what you think is right.

Elitism goes beyond just thinking that your doctrines or practices are correct. It's a hyperactive puffing up about it. Your group thinks not only that it is on the right path, but that almost no one else is.

Elitism is a sense of a special mission or a special equipping for a mission. We have better gifts or use our gifts in special ways. We care more about lost souls than others around us. We are more committed to saving souls, or helping the poor, or supporting missions, or being true to scripture, than almost anyone else. We are IT!

Extreme groups begin to think they are the only manifestation of Christ's work on earth, or at least in their area.

There are a couple of ways elitism is expressed. One is that the leaders come right out and say it. The pastor or leaders might preach that the group has a special call or a unique mission. This will be a repeated theme in abusive churches. It tends to isolate. If you are so special, God's own favorite children, why would you even want to hang out with the "unspecial"?

It also takes subtler forms. The pastor might not focus much on your special calling. He might instead spend time cutting down other groups, focusing on their perceived weaknesses and problems. If he does this enough, you get the idea. Church X doesn't really stress scripture (unspoken lesson: WE DO!); Church Y doesn't really preach salvation (unspoken lesson: WE REALLY CARE); Church Z doesn't live out the gospel (unspoken lesson: WE LIVE THE GOSPEL).

What elitism does is unify church members. They get the message. THEY don't want to be like the worldly groups out there that don't care about lost souls or the poor or missions or the scripture. They want to make sure they are among the chosen few. To do this, they will hunker down, they will keep to the group, they will make sure the leadership knows they are loyal and true and not heathen like those other groups outside.

When things get messy and they are tempted to leave, elitism is a powerful handcuff. Members have spent so much time looking down on other groups and playing up their own gifts, that to leave means they have to reverse their thinking, and that's very hard to do. Suddenly, they are thinking about no longer being part of God's special group, and also about joining up with groups they - along with the church leadership - have looked down on for so long. That's a hard reversal to stomach.

Besides bragging about gifts and callings, and besides castigating other "inferior" churches, another sign of elitism is when the pastor or leaders won't meet with other community pastors. They will not join ministerial alliances or Christian groups in a community. They are too good for those lukewarm Christians. They are far above them and will not deign to rub shoulders with them. While many elitist pastors do meet with such groups either just for show or because it lends credibility to the group, the very hard core elitists will not. If your pastor won't meet with other pastors unless they are of the same denomination, it is a big, bright, red flag that he is an elitist and possibly abusive.
Elitism can be blatant or subtle, but it's a common trait of abusive churches.

To see an example of classic elitism, go HERE to see how a Harold Camping defender attacks critics using elitist language.

When we want others to see and come out

One difficult aftermath of spiritual abuse is knowing friends or family are still inside the abusive group, that they can't see, or can't fully see the problem. We want them to know what we've learned about manipulation, mind-control, pressure. And yet, we know that since we are the sinful outcasts or exiles, they would never listen to us.

We wish, sometimes, that someone they respect, someone they would listen to, would take them aside and say something like, "You know, your group sounds a little strange. It sounds like there may be manipulation going on. Have you ever heard of spiritual abuse? You might want to look into it."

But, of course, there are few people they respect enough to listen to like that since abusive leaders steer them into an elitist perspective. And these leaders move themselves into the place of prominence. Not obviously, of course, but slowly and surely. No one knows truth like the leader. How can inferior Christians have any special insights into spiritual matters? Why, they attend a church that doesn't believe X or does believe Y. No point in listening to their opinions.

So, they stay trapped in the group.

You know that they are confused, as each new person leaves the group or is kicked out. You know they are confused when the pastor says something that is at odds with what they know is right and they struggle to rationalize it. They waver, they struggle, they fight their own conscience and reason.

They know it's godly to think the best of people, so when something critical comes up against their leader, they think the best. What they don't consider, though, is that to think the best of their pastor or leader, they have to think the worst of all the other people hurt by that pastor. And they do. They think of them as rebellious or selfish or worldly or sinful, or maybe just weak.

So they struggle and you only pray that someday, before too much damage is done, they will be able to see through the manipulations and have the strength to get out.

Though I consider our group only somewhat abusive, after two years I was not able to hear from God anymore. It took another year and a half before I knew for certain God's voice to me personally. I wasn't sure I'd ever know it again.

I've been on sites of those who suffered too much damage and who can no longer hear from God, or no longer know if they can hear from Him. It is the saddest thing to come across these sites. Your heart just aches.

You wish that there were some magic formula, some article they would read and be convinced, some phrase you could say that would open their eyes.

Occasionally, though, they do see. One family in our abusive little group, after sticking it out a couple of years longer than we did, finally began to see the signs, and they are now out. I never thought this would happen. The wife came across information on spiritual abuse and, slowly, the grip of the abusive leader weakened on their family.

So it does happen, but it takes a good, long time in many cases.

What's happening to my church?

Your church is a great church. It is one of the few in the area truly sold out to Jesus.
Your pastor reminds you often how special your church is, and he sometimes criticizes other churches and ministries that don't quite have what you do.

It used to bother you when your pastor found fault with other groups, but lately, you barely even notice.
Sometimes you even put down other churches yourself.
Your church is a real family to you. It's been there for you and you belong.

Still, there are things going on that trouble you. You're not really sure what is behind all the trouble.
People have left, and they've said critical things about your leaders or pastor. You've occasionally wondered if any of the criticism is based on truth -- but you don't want to think about that! You won't go there. Best to leave that idea alone, you think.
Your church leaders do seem truly inspired by God. The Word comes to life. People are saved and touched by what goes on there.

Besides, you know what would happen if you ever dared question your pastor or leaders. You'd get the look.
Your pastor would look at you in the same way he looks at those who left or who "cause trouble."
Soon, others would look at you in the same way, too.

You don't want church members thinking you are sinful, or that you have made God angry, or that you are a backslider or rebellious or worldly.
So you don't articulate your doubts, questions or thoughts about the uncomfortable goings on in the church.
The ones who left? They must have committed some fault, some sin -- or at least there must be some terrible misunderstanding. It can't be your pastor, can it? How could someone who brings about such good and holy things be to blame for church trouble? Impossible! Or are you overlooking something?

You've made excuses for your pastor or leaders. You tell others that the leaders do things that seem unorthodox because they are dedicated to their work for the Lord, that they are too focused on God to see the problems around them, that they mean well, that they don't realize when they hurt people -- and you've provided other, similar excuses.
You wouldn't want anyone to know it, but you wonder quite a bit about whether your pastor is in the right or not.

It's time to ask yourself a few things.
Can you question your pastor without fear?  Would you even dare question your pastor? What would it take for you to approach your pastor with a question about something he's done? What do you think would happen if you did? How bad would things have to get before you were willing to ask some questions?

If you are nervous about confronting your pastor about things that don't seem quite right, ask yourself why this is.
Know this: You are not the first one to be in the situation you are now in. Many, many others have been on the same spiritual roller coaster you are now on. Some never get off.
But many on that crack-the-whip, push-and-pull, heights-to-depths game you've been part of have learned how to make it all stop.
First you need to determine if your church is healthy or unhealthy.
Check out the stories of spiritual abuse on this site and others. 
Is the pattern of abuse that emerges similar to what is happening at your church? 
Since every church is different, your experience won't be exactly like that of another church. But certain behaviors are common in abusive churches and rare in healthy ones.

When you become familiar with aberrant tendencies, look again at your church and make sure it is a place that will nurture faith over the long haul, not just in doctrinal stances but in treatment of people in and out of the church.

If you feel you can't question your pastor, that is a sign that there is a huge problem with your church -- and the sooner you do some digging, the sooner you will find a place of peace.