The agony of seeing spiritual abuse for what it is

On a forum dedicated to exploring the teaching of Harold Camping, I found this post from a true believer now disenchanted and disillusioned. For those of us who have been in this same position, the agony is familiar. You still want to believe that you were in the special group, the chosen priesthood, and that you were among the few select believers who cared enough to discover -- or to whom God revealed -- his truth.
You were singled out by God for great things.
But you began to see the flaws in your leader or his teachings. You began to hear stories of people burned as they followed, or failed prophesies, or families broken. You even began to see that your support of such a leader was doing harm.
As the lace scaffold holding up the group began to deteriorate, it was painful. To see your leader for what he was was also to see yourself as less important than you thought. You were not among the exalted after all. You were just an ordinary believer on an ordinary mission.

Some of us began to question everything. First the leader, then the doctrine, then our core beliefs. Some beliefs we had to give up, but some we held onto. Knowing which to toss and which to keep was not easy, and for some of us it has taken many years come to a place of peace.

Here is the Camping Follower's cry:


To my friends here,

I was wrong. My heart is conflicted, almost broken, my mind is confused and the thoughts of the implications are tormenting me. I can't fathom it. The proofs!

Right now I have two major concerns going on in my head and my heart, and its killing me!

1. It isn't Mr. Camping I believed... It was the BIBLE!! That is what makes this so hard, it’s killing me, and I am scared.
Abusive leaders so completely conflate their own views with that of the Bible, that even when a follower knows he's been duped, he can't quite separate the two.

2. I condemned the churches, and called those in them of Satan. What does that mean? I am scared.

I have lost all respect for Camping, for two things.

1. As the day wore on, absolutely nothing about May 21 was mentioned. I could have used some comfort or encouragement.

2. Where the HELL is the guy!! Say something damn-it

You people have no idea what a true believer went through and experienced. Maybe a tiny part of you felt that it could happen because all things are possible through Christ so for a moment in time you to became a believer, but as the hours ticked by it became easier for you to resume clowning going full steam ahead.

For me, it was the end of TIME it was the last moment of precious mortal life and most certainly to be obliviated because I had absolutely no assurance and so I was incredibly saddened and scared to die in mere hours, then minutes, then seconds. Then... *click* /refresh/...screen loads hella slow... NO FREAKING RED BOXES. Not that I enjoy the idea of millions of people dying, but I knew I was soon to follow in less than a day.

But then...

"Of course" why would judgment start at some random island? It’s got to be Israel.The spiritually abused continue to make excuses for their leader, even when they begin to suspect that all is not right.

So that starts the whole thing over again, and my anxiety is great, my dread is approaching, I can feel my heart pound in my ears as I cried unto God and begged those I loved and myself for mercy. Then 12:00 then 3:00 then 6:00 then 11:59 then 12:01

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME!!

But then...

"Of course" why would judgment start at Israel at a certain time... The parable of Saul being unfaithful when performing the sacrifice without Samuel. Saul should have been PATIENT, because Samuel had TARRIED, a picture of God.
The spiritually abused are on a roller coaster, teetering on the highest highs and then plunging to the depths below. They excuse their leader, try to see things the way it was before they began to be enlightened, then see things as they are and are scared of it, then try to see things the old way: back and forth, up and down, until we get sea sick from the climbing and diving.
So that starts the whole thing over again, and by now I have lost all blood and feeling, and lost my girl, and lost all interest in the world, and seriously started to question the Bible, and Gods word, and thus God, because of THE PROOFS!!! SO MANY HARMONIOUS PROOFS!! It’s just impossible for The LORD NOT to return. Impossible. Unfathomable. What does this mean?! The implications! My brain and heart battling.

This isn't Camping’s Interpretation, It’s the Bible's and I see it. It is not confusing, it is perfect, flawless, impossible but for God's will and perfect plan, revealing these things at the perfect time. His will. But then, it wasn't happening, time wore on. I’m in San Francisco at my cousins UC SF graduation party, and I am lost in an enigma, conflicted and unfocused. My life has been a waste in waiting. Three years I let everything go, EVERYTHING, I am so far behind of where I wanted to be at this point. And you see, I had the perfect excuse to never worry about that ever again and just enjoy what I had and be content. Meanwhile, life passes you by.

But at the same time, I HAD TO BELIEVE, I HAD NO ASSURANCE. If I doubted, even one tiny bit, then that would mean I was under the wrath of God and would be prepared for Judgment. Spiritually abusive groups make the stakes high. To leave means to leave everything, life, eternity, heaven.
A Guarantee. I knew I was going to die anyway, I knew it, and that a@@hole taught doom and gloom and his art of persuasion sucked me in... ME!! Are you serious? I do NOT get taken advantage of. I am the most discerning, sensitive, quietly patient guy I can be and have always been that way, I am skeptical of everything. Conspiracies are for Nut jobs, Scams are for Idiots, Cults are for Zombies. Spiritual abuse can happen to anyone, not matter how intelligent, educated, skeptical, or Bible-oriented. In fact, it seems the more you love the Bible, the more easily you can be taken in by charlatans and crazies because you feel you are part of the "elite" who care about scripture while everyone else is lukewarm, and the first step of spiritual abuse -- elitism -- is easily kindled in many who hold the Bible dear.

I am none of that. I am critical, rational, intelligent, quite and discerning. I test it. I would never blindly follow ANYTHING. I have always believed in God, so I quietly listen to individuals who talk of other gods as if they are real, and I quietly nod and mmhmm, and oh ya? And "what? Buddhist’s sacrifice chicken's at funerals. Wow I never knew."

But being so logical and rational, as well as a fantastic imagination because I was so quiet and shy as a lil boy, I just read a lot and played with my toys, so I got this imagination that shows me, the road this world is going down, and it is disgusting, Not the earth, and not love, and laughter, and a good meal and those "juicy peaches" ha! And the beach and girls in bikinis and great movies and dramas and comedy and reading my favorite authors, and waiting 12 years for Duke Nukem Forever... I was sort of upset that it finally comes out a month after I die and there is so much horror in the world that all there is going on is death and destruction. And I was excited to hear that the Dark Tower was being made into a movie and TV series by Ron Howard, but of course upset that I would never get to see them. Ahh, the simple things.

There is a lot to love about this world which God made, and still not be of the world in such a way that it takes away from God. Indeed, God is the creator and I thank Him for all of this, and the opportunity to love Him and glorify Him in His name in the things in which He made possible. None of it is possible without Him. And life is a prizzzzeeeee

But I think, the LORD has indeed Tarried almost 2000 years, now look at the world, the amount of sin is very apparent and it is not getting better but worse, as restrictions or norms become looser and less moral and virtuous and Godly because we have all been desensitized. Geez doesn't that sound like the Roman Empire, I mean they were so desensitized they would hold contests with animals and gladiators and watch death in person and cheer and hurrah and laugh and eat popcorn as it spilled between their fingers as they stuffed it in their fat mouths and God was nowhere. I fear this world sells sex and good times over hard work and morals. God is not in the picture, we attack everybody BUT those ignorant extremist Muslims who are the cause of the crusades. And the spread of spiritual adultery from corner to corner. They for some reason get a pass!!

I was thinking there is no way God would let this world continue.

The amount of scoffing towards God after THE BIBLE GAURANTEES IT actually broke my heart!! It’s just not fair I said, "The proofs are perfect."  For some of us, it isn't the proofs, but our spiritual leader who is perfect. His teaching was better than anyone's. How could someone so right on salvation or grace or the gospel be spiritually abusive? Impossible. People were saved listening to him. How could he be wrong? How could they be wrong, how? Confusion, conflict, doubts spreading. Horror, sorrow, torture.

But then...

"Of course” The first shall be last, and the last shall be first, of course the very tip of time before May 21 turns into May 22 is only because God is testing our faith, as he tarries a bit. As long as ANY PART of the world is still May 21, then it is still that day. God would not delay, surely He would come. For His word Guarantees it!! I saw it... the proofs!! The harmony!! So perfect only God could place this harmony in His word, and only God would convict the hearts of so many including me to see and understand this information. For I did the work. And there was no magic number I unlocked, as surely Camping must have, to make the calendar fit so perfectly and tie together. It was a matter of understanding begot and named him, and that remained consistent throughout the calendar, so either you believe or not, either you try it that way all the way through, or you stick with just adding all the ages after begot up. Its either 6000 or 13000 years. There was no magic number; it was just a different way of looking at something and trying it, and then seeing the harmony.

So that started the whole thing over again, and by this time I am just pissed off, and reading these boards all night and just wondering and waiting and unsure of anything.

But the world passed into another day without incident, and soon after the thoughts plagued me that I was in a cult, and brainwashed into trusting that these were my ideas and that was the only way to see things. Yes, you were in a cult, and many of us who thought we were in the best, most scripturally sound churches around were also in cults or at least in very cult-like churches or groups. The sooner we face it, the sooner we can heal.

Do you people realize how short Friday was, and how long Saturday was!!

Wow!!

I offer my sincere apologize to all that I have wrongly accused of mocking and scoffing. However I tried my best to always remain charitable, and never judge, there were some heated words and ideas passed between some of us, and my brainwashing was so complete that I undoubtedly blasted you with scripture and said to repent and be as the Boreans. I always wanted to do the will of God, I truly believed that the Bible said these things, but I was so wrong. I know now that no man can know the day or the hour. This is in Gods control

But you know, this brought me closer to God.

I believed. You can't fault a man, for trusting in the LORD. And it is your choice to say I trusted Camping, but I did not, I trusted the Bible. I trusted God. I still see the perfect harmony, It's hard for the spiritually abused to give up the group's peculiar beliefs all at once, and many will cling to them a long time, refusing to fellowship with other (lesser) Christians but still being out of the group and all I can say is, if God chooses to not come then He chooses not to come, but don't fault a man for trusting so incredibly deeply, that even after all of you have dealt slings and arrows, my belief was unwavering. That is complete trust, in the Bible. What seems like trust in the Bible is often trust in a very adept spiritual abuser's take on the Bible. Read the various stories of abuse linked on Provender and you will see this play out again and again in different ways.

If God so wills to tarry, then so be it. But May 21 is over, I was wrong about 100% though the bible seemed to point in that direction. I will never again speak of May 21 in my life, I just want to move on. I will probably start going to a church, though that is not unto salvation, but because as my Mom says, a guy just needs the fellowship and a little unselfish time in your life. Take time from yourself and go and find a good God fearing church and enjoy life. I still won't hold to any creed or mission statement, but that I trust the bible alone, but do see now that God's church is still alive, even if it is filled with Wheat and Tares. It is still apparently in view and legal. I just don't know. I just have to pick up the broken pieces of my life and move forward. Jumping back into school and going for that promotion. It is hard to find purpose again after being on such a heady mission in abusive churches. Some will plunge into the world, others into another abusive group, but some will be able to slowly emerge into a stronger walk with God.

Because just like the rest of us who believed it was biblically sound, it ended up tearing our life apart. Spiritual abuse tends to do this. How strange huh. We believed God, yet this whole thing caused so much drama. I just have no words to express how I feel, or what I think, or why God would not come back when His own very word pointed in that direction.

But my relationship with Him is great now, whereas before it may have been non-existent. And you know, I believed. I believed God. Not Camping, but the Bible. And I find it DISGUSTING, the way Christians are treating some of the people who believed. They are showing who they truly are by throwing slings and arrows, castigating, are you kidding me! Is that God glorifying, or is picking your brother up and welcoming him back into your arms God glorifying. The parable of the prodigal son, what did the father do when he finally returned; he opened his arms and kissed him and gave him a feast. The parable of the lost sheep, wasn't their much rejoicing over having found the 1 lost sheep over the other 99 who were safe. Didn't Christ come for sinners, for if you have no sin, what need is there for Christ, and what need of Him of you. I just don't understand the amount of ridicule going on. This is the most incredible moment in any of our lives. Some of us are conflicted with the idea that God may not exist. Or perhaps the creator created, then moved onto another universe of Time and Dimension and left us on auto This is a common reaction to spiritual abuse, to throw God out with the bathwater. When the bathwater is so foul, it is understandable. But many do not go that far.

What are these people screaming about? God’s word WAS GLORIFIED. You don’t seem to understand, that ALL of this came from the bible. I still never find Camping guilty of ADDING TO the word of God. He was a fantastic discerning teacher. The spiritually abused continue to uphold and defend their abusers even after they can see the damage. It is a kind of Stolkholm syndrome. I don't care what you say, excepting TIME information, every one of those doctrines hold true for me, I am still not sure why He did not come back May 21. None of these doctrines change AT ALL because they are BIBLICAL doctrines and not TIME related. They are Biblical related. I will hold them because they are true. Anything time related. CONCERNING THE END is just too much for man!!

However all of the money was spent fulfilling Gods great commission. Every penny was spent in spreading the word. And it all came from the bible. So it didn't happen, ok, I get that, and accept that. IT IS OVER. But to continue to castigate. What purpose is there? It causes conflict and strife, and besides, our hearts and lives are broken, some us beyond repair. Such as those who HAVE NO HOMES TO GO HOME TO RIGHT NOW. They are homeless. And penniless.

BUTTT....

Do not blame Camping. He was SINCERE in May 21, and millions of us saw this information as coming from the bible, he did not intend to hurt or scam or ruin lives, yet I find it disgusting that he has yet to make a statement for those who need to hear from him,, something,, anything..

this is the great conflict in our hearts. How can God not come, to what purpose? It does not glorify Him to tarry does it? All of this came from His own Word, He promised. All of our time and all that money was spent on spreading HIS word to the four corners, fulfilling His great commision. His word was being fulfilled; people were hearing the word turning to God, some actually being drawn, no doubt.

But now, does God even exist? How can He let this happen?

Everything He said would happen has indeed happened. We discerned the bible, we spread the word in His name, never taking a penny for personal gain, and we GLORIFIED HIS NAME, WE BESEECHED PEOPLE TO TURN TO HIM, TO BEG HIM, TO LOVE HIM, and TO HAVE HOPE AND SALVATION IN HIM. The message was spread in His name, why ... why would he tarry.

Why delay past this. What’s the point?

This is THE time to come back. And He is not here. What does this mean?

I just wish to thank you all for challenging me over the last year and I learned so incredibly much. I also wish to apologize for anytime I hinted at you may be unsaved and doomed. How horrible a thing to say to someone, forgive me, and have mercy on me. Not that I am elevated by man, but I feel very terrible about all of this, though I trusted it completely, I am just at a loss for words, or emotions, or feelings right now.

I am so empty.

and I was so wrong.

I need to beg for forgiveness for accusing the church of Christ as being the synagogue of Satan. Forgive me for that LORD, and forgive me if I have caused anyone to seriously consider trusting May 21 with the work I did on my calendar.

I was wrong. 

The spiritually abused finds it hard to pull away from abuse. Like a battered wife, they pull away, then return, pull away, then return for more abuse. Spiritual abusers use mind tricks. They may not even knowingly be manipulative, but they do manipulate. See The Heresy of Mind Control for more. Click on link at bottom of page.